My Mother’s Uncle, Rory Billy Moorer, died earlier this week. I, like the rest of my family members, am saddened by his untimely passing. However, I am having some trouble decided whether or not I WANT to attend his funeral services.
I have been described/characterized as a closed off and private person ( ironic since I tend to blog about incredibly personal issues ).That being the case, I tend to grieve, mourn, and deal with painful situations on my own. I do not take comfort in public displays of my grief or pain.
However, I’m trying to decide whether or not I’m right in choosing, or rather, considering not to go. Is it wrong to do things in my own way if it goes against the wishes of my family ? Am I selfish in choosing to grieve privately ? Is it my duty to bear witness to my Grand-Uncle’s passing ? Do things like attendance at funerals, wakes, and other institutions of celebration and mourning matter in the grand scheme of things or do they simply matter to my family ? I don’t know.
My decisions are usually dictated by logic. I know what will happen if my computer overheats. I understand why I need to eat or exercise. I thrive on cause and effect but I’m at a loss right now because death isn’t logical. Sure, in the biological sense of things it can be explained. The lungs give out. The kidneys stop functioning. The heart is too weak to beat. The brain ceases to function. A person is thus, no longer alive. But what death does to the living is not logical. Is that what I’m afraid of facing ? Is that why I don’t want to be there ?
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After my grandmother died, I vowed to never attend another funeral unless it was my mom or bro. I’ve held to that for the most part. But after each funeral for a loved one, I feel a sense of remorse.
My mother says I’m not going for me. I’m going for that family . . .to comfort them in their loss. But I can’t get over the sadness, etc that happens at funerals. It is too emotional. I can’t explain it.
I can’t tell you whether to go or not. I can’t tell you why you’re afraid. But I can say, talk it over with God. Do you need closure to this relationship? Do you need comfort? What will attending/not attending do for you? These are questions you should ask yourself . . .
Jovan, remember what I told you. There is no denying that you love your uncle and his passing is definitely a tremendous loss for you. You are not one to express feelings whether they are sadness or happiness. That does not make you a bad person either way.
I think you are more afraid of what your family will think of you if you DON’T go. You are wondering if they will be disappointed in you because you do not express yourself the way that others do.
I can’t tell you what to do. But whatever you decide, make sure that YOU are comfortable with it. Not everyone is able to mourn in the same way. And there will be no one, and I mean no one, that knows and loves you that wouldn’t understand your hesitation.
Pray about it. You will make the best decision for you. As you always do!
When ever I’m put in the mind state of the after life or the death..one’s passing, I have a tendency to think of the biblical phrase “this to shall pass”. For the life of me.. I don’t quite know why but it does. May the word pass.. In the context of passing over, or. Alternative verbage for death.Or maybe its a calming sense of words.. To remember that the pain of seeing death is here now. But it will grow weary at some point. Either way, I too (oddly enough have the same problem with death and expressing feeling toward that period of time. I mean who really knows proper protocal for mourning? But once again I refer back to that phrase. This to shall pass. It really depends on whatyou want to take from your loved ones passing.In your logic there is reason, and in your heart there is emotion. They are a world apart, but hold each other so close together. Don’t let your logic dictate your emotion.Do what feels right, with the thought of respect and love.
I’m sorry about your loss brother. Just hold steady and live.
Jovan, just like we build a personal walk and relationship with God we do the same in our relationships with family and friends. Although all of you are experiencing grief, each one is experiencing it differently. So it’s not wrong to grieve differently from your family. How you choose to say goodbye and remember your uncle is a personal choice. I think you should ask yourself how would Uncle Rory want me to remember him? What would he tell me to do? Then follow his wish. It’s honorable that you don’t want to disappoint your family, however it’s important to remain true to yourself and the relationship you built with your uncle.
Remember just because he is no longer with you physically he will always be with you spiritually. Just remember all of the wonderful things you all shared and the things he taught you through his walk here and that brings you comfort. After my cousin died last year I thought I can’t believe that I wouldn’t hear her voice again. We loved to shop together and I remember while shopping I wanted this shirt but I thought well it’s too expensive. I immediately heard her voice say, “Girl buy that shirt and stop being so cheap!” I stood there laughing so hard because I knew she was still living on the inside of me. Needless to say I bought the shirt.
Although death seems illogical to you right now, God has a way of bringing us peace and clarity in time. Just continue to talk to him. May God continue to bless, comfort, and keep you!
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate them.